I put my hand up and when he called on me I said, “I have nothing to say.”
After pausing for my retreat mates to stop laughing I continued speaking. But…
~
Before I go on here is some back story for context:
A couple weekends ago I went to an Emotional Freedom Technique event. Brad Yates – my favourite YouTube source of this personal growth tool – came to my town. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see him… live… in person… for the 4th time. If anything I would get a great hug out of it! (Side note: if you ever get a chance to meet Brad ask for a hug, he’s an all star at them!)
I have always shared when I’ve been to his events in the past. And with all the recent stress and change in my life I had stuff to say. I even practiced how I would talk about on my way there.
And yet Friday evening went by and I didn’t say anything. Saturday flew and I said nothing.
I did a lot of witnessing and heard a lot of heart-breaking stories. I saw a lot of shifts. I cried and laughed. Healing was passed around like an hors d’oevure tray at a fancy cocktail party. I stayed on the periphery, turning down the thick cucumber slices topped with fresh dill and whipped truffle butter.
I kept thinking if I wasn’t here to to express something personal and have 40 strangers tap with me about it, then why did I was I there? I went to bed with that question on Saturday night.
Why was I at this retreat, when I live 20 minutes down the road?
I tucked into my little dorm room and started reading Brene Brown’s: Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone.
(Another side note: if you’re not sure who Brene is, I’ve written about her here, here and here. She is a big influence on my life, who I try to be, and what I teach my patients.)
The passage I read helped me realize why I was there not saying anything.
~
Sunday morning passed, and still I was locked lipped. When I finally knew what I had to say. So I put up my hand.
Brad looked over and said, “Tonia?”
“I have nothing to say.”
Cue laughter as per the beginning of this article.
Brad chuckled and said, “I’m going to start my next book that way.”
“I have been sitting in this room with everyone for three days, and every time you ask us to picture our ideal self in the mirror I can see her perfectly: vibrant, healthy, and happy. When you ask us what is blocking us from being that person, there is nothing. No blocks. Nada. Vacuum. All I see is space every time you ask that question. I have nothing personal to say.”
I explained how I’d been questioning my purpose at the event until I read what I read on Saturday night. I asked if I could read a passage and Brad agreed.
I read:
“Not enough of us know how to sit in pain with others. Worse, our discomfort shows up in ways that can hurt people and reinforce their own isolation. I have started to believe that crying with strangers in person could save the world… The more we’re willing to seek moments of collective joy and show up for experiences of collective pain – for real, in person, not online – the more difficult it becomes to deny our human connection, even with people we may disagree with. Not only do moments of collective emotion remind us of what is possible between people, but they also remind us of what is true about the human spirit.”
“That is why I’m here. To cry with you all. And to laugh. Thanks everyone for sharing with me, so we can change the world.”
I’m so curious…
Have you had experience with what Brene is talking about?
Do you have people in your life that are uncomfortable with emotional conversations?
How does it feel when they can’t be with your pain or your joy? They interrupt, or change the subject, or worse, they story top?
How would you prefer them to behave?
Do you try to fix things when people share personal stories with you?
What would happen if you just listened, and said, “Oh gosh, that’s so hard, I’m sorry,” or just gave them a hug?
How would the world be different if more people could be present in these hard times?
Look for the Helpers
You don’t have to go far these day to find stories of devastating natural disasters, imminent war, and disturbing corruption. Mister Rogers used to say, “Look for the helpers.” In times of crisis find the helpers. Better yet, be the helper. Sit with those in pain. Don’t fix anything just be there. I think Brene is on to something. Now more than ever is a time to be vulnerable which is incredibly courageous. Insert HUMAN CONNECTION where ever you can. As often as possible.
The next time a friend or loved one shares something hard with you do nothing but breath (you can learn how here). Say nothing. It’s okay to not have anything to say. Just picture your mouth is full of cucumber canapes.
Know there is nothing to fix.
The only thing to do is to be. Your presence will speak loudly.
Let space hang between their words and yours.
Breath some more.
Allow yourself to cry with out apologizing for it.
Let what ever you feel be felt. Share what you notice in your body (I talk about that one here). Try using these words, “In my imagined version of your story I feel…”
I’d love to hear how things are different when you try this. Hop back here and leave a comment below.
To your healthy, thriving, delightful life,
