The last time I was at my hair dresser’s, I had an interesting conversation. As my stylist was finishing up with her client ahead of me, she saw I was waiting and came over for a quick hug and a hello.
(Side note: Do you hug your stylist? Do you think it is strange that I hug mine? Sarah-Jane has been cutting my hair for 8 years and I travel on a boat to see her. We’ve been through a lot together: starting a business, moving 2 businesses, breakups, new relationships, a marriage, 2 siblings’ weddings, a move to an Island, a parent passing away. And we just discovered we used to party at the same punk rock shows when we were teenagers. Anyhoo, back to this story.)
During our hug I asked if the water in the bathroom was drinkable. I live on a farm on an Island and drink well water. I’m generally cautious about city water.
She said, “Yeah! But I can get you some water.”
“Okay, sure! Thanks!”
The woman beside me laughed. She said I reminded her how passive-aggressive her husbands family is.
Now, I wasn’t trying to manipulate Sarah-Jane into getting me water. I was perfectly happy to fill my water bottle myself from the bathroom if the water was safe to drink.
She explained she knew, but the exchange still reminded her of her in-laws. Manners at their dinner table look something like this:
“I’ll have the mustard after you use it.”
The woman chuckled as she was telling me this story, “But I’m not planning on using any mustard!”
You Gotta Ask For What You Want (Tweet it!)
We then transitioned to talking about how important it is to clearly ask for what you want.
We giggled about how we both learned the hard way that if we want our husbands to do something we have to be very direct and say, “Will you please empty all the garbage cans and put it out on the street for pick up?” Instead of, “It’s garbage day,” hoping they will infer the implied message.
Or perhaps, “Will you please wash the dishes before bed tonight?” As opposed to, “The kitchen is a mess.”
I wrote about how your people want to support you and help you but often you have to be very specific about what that means – especially when you may be emotionally vulnerable, say for example if you have PMS.
Interestingly this woman was at my salon because of her son. She had been taking both her boys to the cheap hair cutting place. One day, after seeing something on TV about the Make A Wish Foundation, she asked her youngest son what his wish would be. He told her that he never wanted to go back to that cheap hair dresser again.
He clearly asked for what he wanted, and successfully affected change.
The last example I’ll give you is one about my sister. We would often feel disappointed when we were hanging out because neither of us were communicating about how we wanted to spend our time together. “Head plans,” we called them. But I wanted to get gelato and walk on the beach. But I wanted to buy some saki and play scrabble.
So we’ve learned to ask each other for full disclosure when it comes to our head plans so we can make the best of our now limited time together (we live a couple provinces apart.)
You gotta just ask for what you want.
We have to do this more. Get clear on what you want and ask for it.
Life is just easier that way. The stress of resentment will be lifted, your body will be so grateful, and it will function better.
To your healthy, thriving, delightful life,
