In the last two weeks I’ve had two people apologize to me for sexually inappropriate things they had said to me. Both men. One was four years ago, and the other was eight. I’m not talking yesterday. Years ago. And both men, with in the same fortnight decided to make amends?
Curious right?
I certainly thought so!
The details aren’t important, but with each apology, each respective wound was re-opened. I thought I had healed from those experiences – they certainly weren’t on my conscious mind.
And here these two fellows are, saying, “I’m sorry – I was an a**hole to you,” and “I’m sorry I never should have said that to you – that was way off side.”
They were trying to come clean – for their own consciences and in the process I felt crappy and uncomfortable again, which I will clarify, isn’t their responsibility and I don’t blame them for it.
I choose how I feel.
(And you do too).
At the time, years ago, I took what I felt were the appropriate measures to protect myself. Blocking one of the guys from Facebook (I sure showed him!) Not inviting the other to a fairly important personal celebration. In both instances I was verbally clear, “What you just said was inappropriate and not okay.”
Despite these actions, I still felt icky.
And over time that ickiness faded, until it was no longer registering.
Then as if no time had passed, when they brought it up again, the ickiness was in full force. I guess it had still been there all along. Has this happened to you? Years of dormancy only to have the emotions retriggered as if it was happening in present time?
This is one of the wonders of the human mind – how easily we can connect neural pathways creating networks of memories, emotions, and experiences.
Again, I will reiterate. They didn’t make me feel anything. I chose what I felt. Perhaps not consciously, but my feelings were my body’s response, and no one else was or is responsible for them but me.
For these two dudes, apologizing was what they needed to do to feel better about themselves. I respect that. Every action or behavior meets some sort of need.
Because this same situation (with different characters) came up for me twice, in such a short period of time, I knew there was something there. Something still needed to heal.
Life will keep giving us lessons until we learn them.
I am so glad this was brought to light. Because once we’re aware of what’s up, we can work on repairing it.
Feeling uncomfortable and bleh, I checked in with myself. What do I need to not feel this ickiness anymore? What is this ickiness all about? What’s really going on here?
To clarify my thoughts I wrote. This article in a slightly different form. I sent it out to my newsletter list (two days late even) before posting it on my blog because I knew it wasn’t quite ready for this platform.
The missing piece came when I went for a BodyTalk session later that day. Interestingly (and thankfully) this was scheduled weeks in advance.
There were several incredible insights from that session. The most poignant was, that just as they are not responsible for my feelings, I am not responsible for theirs.
When they said what they said to me, my knee jerk reaction was to shut them down and protect myself. To resist. But instead of making it about me, I could have just witnessed them, as human beings, having a human experience. I could have met them with compassion and curiosity.
I’m going to keep working on this one.
But I also started thinking of forgiveness
(I’ve written about that before).
I decided to release them both with love because it’s what they need. It’s what I need. People don’t behave poorly when their lives and hearts are full of love and light. I said to myself, “I give for myself permission to release them and their actions with ease and grace.”
And I felt better. Safer. Happier.
In the last two weeks, I’ve also chatted with several patients about what healing really means – they’ve been asking. And I don’t think this timing is a coincidence.
From The Online Etymology Dictionary:
heal (v.)
Old English hælan “cure; save; make whole, sound and well,” from Proto-Germanic *hailjan (cognates: Old Saxon helian, Old Norse heila, Old Frisian hela, Dutch helen, Germanheilen, Gothic ga-hailjan “to heal, cure”), literally “to make whole,” from PIE *kailo- “whole.”
To make whole.
Healing isn’t about being a certain, arbitrary weight. It isn’t about fitting into a certain pant size or even having glowing, beautiful skin.
It’s about wholeness. It’s about integration of the body, mind, and spirit. It’s about acknowledgement and acceptance of every cell, thought, hurt and desire that makes up your existence on this planet in this lifetime.
If I had ignored my ickiness, or told myself I was being silly (they apologized for gosh sakes!) I would have prevented myself from a powerful opportunity to step closer to wholeness. By burying the fist-clenching, ball-busting injustice of those experiences, it’s as if I was missing a part of myself.
But because I was willing to listen, to feel, I created space for healing. For reintegration of my whole being.
And yes, there are more terrifying, and appalling examples of hurts that people endure – I’m only speaking from my own recent experience and revelations.
So I ask you, what do you need to feel whole? To truly heal? The answers are inside you. Listen.
Here’s to your delightful, thriving, WHOLE life,
