I’m not sure about you, but I was pretty shocked to hear about the suicide of Robin Williams last week. His death is a collective loss. I’m sure we can all recall the crazy antics he would get up to during his roles on screen. He was a delight to watch, and provoked both tears and laughter for me over the years.
My heart goes out to his family with love and light in this hard time.
Beyond the sadness and body-felt loss, I’m also processing a realization that we often suffer in silence.
No matter how much you think you know about a person’s situation, you never really know what is truly going on for them.
Here was a man who brought smiles to millions and although meeting many of our definitions of success (being rich and famous from a long, robust career he undoubtedly loved) he was clearly in pain.
But I only say “clearly” now because of what happened. I wouldn’t have said that days ago.
I didn’t have any idea.
What I see now is that despite him meeting all of my presumed markers of success, he was unable to find joy within himself.
I don’t know his full medical or even personal history, and am not commenting on any biochemical imbalances which may or may not have been present.
I’m commenting on what seems none of us can ever know – another person’s truth.
And this saddens me.
I should correct myself. I don’t think it’s impossible to know another’s heart. It’s just devastatingly uncommon. It seems more by design – a conscious effort to remain separate and independent.
We put up walls. We block people off. We respond with lies, “Hey! Good to see you! How have you been?”
“Fine, thank you.”
“Oh good! I’m so glad to hear that.”
So polite. Such good manners.
We don’t want to bother others with our concerns. We’re embarrassed or ashamed. Or we think they have their own problems to worry about. And conversely we don’t want people to respond to the question with anything other than, “fine,” because we just don’t have the bandwidth to hear anything other than good news. Even if it is false.
This lack of honesty is a two way street.
What would be so bad about saying, “You know what? I’m having a really hard time today.” And what would be so bad about holding space for that process to unfold for that person? Not interrupting them, or trying to fix them, or telling them all the reasons why they shouldn’t feel what they are feeling, but looking into their eyes and listening with empathy and compassion?
Letting them feel what they need to feel.
All too often we deny how we feel for the supposed benefit of other people. I see this in my loved ones and my patients, on a regular basis.
“Nevermind.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Whatever.” “It is what it is.”
Denial is a painful road to illness and heartbreak. I know it’s not easy. It takes great courage to allow ourselves to feel the entire roster of human emotions. It takes gall to stop lying to ourselves and those around us. And to be there for others when they are having emotional moments.
As an old adage says, “You’ve got to feel it to heal it.”
But the way I see it is we’re here on this planet for a limited time. We’re here to have experiences. We’re here to learn and grow. To know love, and live in community (and communicate). To know we are supported unconditionally when we are in pain. To know we are supported unconditionally when we are in joy. That this too shall pass. Because it will.
We spend so much time and energy avoiding our feelings, but truly to let them go, we need to let them in. And it’s astounding. What you have spent years trying to avoid dissipates just moments after you acknowledge it and accept it.
Trying to bury emotions is like trying to keep a beach ball below the surface of the water. It takes a lot of effort. But ultimately it will pop up with often an unstoppable force.
I wasn’t sure where this article would end up when I started writing it. But it feels right to end it with this quote by Brene Brown:
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
― Brené Brown
If these words moved you, please pass them along. I believe emotional honesty and healing is integral to healthy, happy people doing what they love (which in turn contributes to world peace.) And be sure to sign up below. You’ll get access to the Weekly Tonic newsletter, and special insights that I only share with the superstars on my list.
Here’s to your thriving, delightful life,
Dr. Tonia
